Small happiness about snow

Olin yllättynyt miten pitkään aikaan en ollut kirjoittanut tänne. Mutta nyt päätin kirjoittaa. Koska on tylsää ja pitäisi oikeasti tehdä vaikka mitä koulujuttuja mutta kun en jaksa. En jaksaisi mitään. Tää pimeys väsyttää. Kun on pimeää kun herää ja menee kouluun, ja on sitten koko valoisan ajan koulussa ja tulee kotiin vasta sitten kun on jo pimeää. Ärsyttää se sellainen.

I was surprised in how long time I haven't written anything here. But now I decided to write because I'm bored and I should do school things but I don't have the energy to do anything. This darkness is wearing me out. When I wake up and go to school it's dark. When I come home from school it's already dark. It's annoying.

Joku päivä satoi lunta ja olin siitä todella iloinen! Tykkään lumesta ja talvesta. Mutta sitten tuli lämmin ja lumi suli pois :( mikä talvi tää tällainen on? Ei ole edes kylmä. Villasukat on kuitenkin jalassa ;3

Some day it snowed (first snow!) and I was really happy about it! I really like snow and winter. But then came warm weather and the snow melted :( what kind of winter is this? It's not even cold. But I still have woolen socks on ;3

Runo ilman A:ta

On kylmä

hirveän kylmä

älkää tulko mun luokse

ikävä päivän jälkeen

nyt tiedän ettette välitä

suolleni putoilleet kipinät

syvemmälle ihoon syöpyy

kuin tähdenlennot pudonneet

ne poltettiin sisimpääni

kertoisitko heillekin sitten joskus

miksi minä olin

ehkä joskus vielä yritän

että hyväksyisin minut edes vähän

kyllä joskus yritin

että pystyisin

jos voisin

mutten voinut ikinä sittenkään

photo taken from a train's window at night x3

Some photos.

I found some photos I had taken some time ago I didn't remember I had taken. I also read my new camera's manual (which was actually useful) and edited one photo of myself. I think it looks cool.

I would want new friends. I don't think my current friends are bad or something but I'd want different kind of friends, at least someone I have met through something other than school or a hobby.

On the brink of winter

If somebody tells you not to burden your foot when it's hurt, believe them. Especially if she's a nurse. I didn't listen to our school nurse and went jogging instead... My foot hurt yesterday so much I couldn't walk properly. But jogging was fun. It was evening and very dark and rainy. I jogged about two miles and almost half a mile of it was in a dark forest. I couldn't see almost anything except for the yellow leaves on the ground. It was scary but cool at the same time.

On the brink of winter

Little paranoid girl
sleeps in the forest
friend of the wolves
self-hatred piling on her head
like the yellow leaves
that are burying
her fragile body
in the night
when she sleeps
alone and cold
she can't find anyone she could trust
scared and lost
in the depths of depression
she runs
and tries to escape from the world
can't forget anything
they said to her
when they fooled around
not knowing how
it broke her
She's running away from everything.

But I love you / so much / that it hurts.

Life
is here
it's now here
I don't know why I'm pushing it away
I don't want to push it away
I don't want to leave
but life
is leaving me not now but someday soon
I can feel it in my dreams
I can taste it in my tears
I'm sorry that I wasn't enough, I know it myself
I'm not dying
but life is leaving me alone
There is no love there
where is no life there
I'm beginning to feel empty
Do you still want me?
Still, only a short moment
though I'm not easy
though you can't always stand me
This small moment
for the rest of my life
which doesn't have to be long if you don't want to
But I love you
so much
that it hurts.

Elämä
on tässä
se on tässä ja nyt
en tiedä miksi työnnän sitä pois luotani
en haluaisi että se lähtisi
en haluaisi lähteä
mutta elämä
on jättämäisillään minut, ei nyt mutta pian
voin tuntea sen unissani
maistaa sen kyynelissäni
Anteeksi, etten ollut tarpeeksi, tiedän sen
en ole kuolemassa
mutta elämä jättää minut yksin
siellä ei ole rakkautta
missä ei ole elämää
alan tuntua tyhjemmältä joka päivä
Huolitko minut vielä?
Edes vielä hetken,
vaikka olen vaikea
vaikka et jaksa aina minua
tämän pienen hetken,
loppuelämäni
jonka ei tarvitse olla pitkä jos et halua
Mutta minä rakastan sinua
niin paljon
että se sattuu.

Shadows of the dusk

Shadows of the dusk
are drowning me
reaching into my heart
that shines from the last rays
of the bloody sun
the bottom is already black
and the millions of cracks glow blue
the sun goes down
and the heart fills of poison
and grows black vines that are strangling me

But even when the glass
is stained with black blood
and killing me from the inside
and the sun will never rise again
and my wings are breaking
from the weight of the chains I put upon them
still there's a dim light
inside my glass heart
because I know that
there's still someone
somewhere
that wants me to be alive

Sunflowers!

Today we were swimming in PE. It was nice even though I can't swim very well and I'm a little afraid to swim because a few years ago I almost could have drowned... If I had stopped swimming two meters sooner my feet wouldn't have met the bottom... And it hurts very much if you breathe water accidentally (as I did today) or when you jump from three meters and you have your mouth open when you hit the water... It is painful, I can tell you.

Because we didn't have theater today (and somebody forgot to tell me...) I photographed a little. It was nice. And some nice photos, too ;)

I had this snack today. It was yummy! (but I didn't eat all those cookies)