sunnuntai 12. toukokuuta 2013

Can I sleep next to you, my love, that I wouldn't feel like dying?

May I sleep without dreaming?

Lately I've been having these... strange dreams. The same five dreams over and over again. They're like fragments from the future or another reality. And I hope it's not the future but I think there's a possibility they can come true.

Dream number one. I stand in a wide, white corridor. There's a black pair of doors at the end of it. One of them is open and there are people going through it. I walk out of the doors and end up on a graveyard. There's one new grave. It's that girl's funeral. I don't know how I know it's a girl. Then I see my mother. She's dressed in black and crying. For a moment I think it's my sister who's dead but then I see her beside my mother. I am afraid to see whose grave it is but I walk to the gravestone. I wouldn't want to read it but I do.

Dream number two. I'm on a street. It's a city I don't know. People are passing by. Going somewhere of just walking, it's like they can't see me but I am there because somebody's shoulder hits my nose. He doesn't see me. I hear a salesman shouting my name. I know it's me who he's shouting to but I don't know why. I try to walk to him and ask him why he's shouting my name but then I see my girlfriend. I touch her shoulder and she turns, seeing me. She hugs me. “I knew you would come to see me,” she says. “She's seeing things again,” somebody says and grabs her arm. “What's happening?” I ask, tears in my eyes. She smiles at me. “They don't believe me but I know you're really here. Don't cry, my love.” I shout her name and she stops. “Is everything alright?” she turns towards me and smiles. “No”, she says. “No.”

Dream number three. I'm in a room. There's only few chairs and a table there. I try to lean to the table but I go through it. Then two men and a girl step into the room and sit to the table. The girl is my girlfriend. I can't hear them but she is shocked by what they tell her. I see she's denying the thing that has happened and demanding evidence. They show her a ring that's covered in blood. And a necklace. And a razor blade. She starts to cry. I try to hug her and say that it's alright. I can't touch her but suddenly I can hear her. “Why did you do this to me?” she sobs. “Why did you leave me alone?” And I don't know the answer.

Dream number four. I can't see myself. I can't feel myself. I try to shout but I can't hear myself. I try to move but I can't. I am alive but I can't do anything. Then nothing. Absolutely nothing at all. Then I see a white light in the distance and hear your voice from far away. You're shouting my name.

Dream number five. I'm in a completely white room and hurting myself. I'm bleeding a lot. I paint pictures on the walls and the floor and the ceiling and the furniture with my blood. My head becomes dizzy and I see nothing but the blood on the floor, lots of blood, blood blood blood blood before I lose my consciousness.

Then I wake up. Shivering, shouting, sweating and crying. Sometimes my girlfriend is with me and she sings to me till I go to sleep. Then I sleep without dreaming. Other nights I end up feeling like I'm falling, falling falling falling falling endlessly falling into the endless void alone, completely alone, alone in the dark. And those moments make me want to die.

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